Sep 9, 2014

Attachment Styles and Relationship Attributes

Attachment Styles and 
Corresponding Relationship Attributes
in Adults, and Related Causal Factors:

Attachment Styles and Percentage of Population -

  Secure 60%:
o   Positive views of themselves, their partners and their relationships.1
o   Feel comfortable with intimacy and independence, balancing the two.1

Generally speaking: It is relatively easy to become emotionally close to others. Comfortable depending on others and having others depend on them. Don't worry about being alone or having others not accepting them.2

Generally caused by the mother's responsiveness to an infant by:
o   Responding quickly and consistently to her child's signals of wanting comfort and security.3
o   The child feels confident that his or her mother will help fulfill any needs when they occur.3

  Anxious-preoccupied (insecure-ambivalent) 10%:
o   Seek high levels of intimacy, approval and responsiveness from partners, becoming overly dependent.1
o   Less trusting.1
o   Less positive views about themselves and their partners.1
o   Exhibit high levels of emotional expressiveness, worry and impulsiveness in their relationships.1

Generally speaking: Want to be completely emotionally intimate with others, but they often find that others are reluctant to get as close as they would like. They are uncomfortable being without close relationships, but sometimes worry that others don't value them much as they value others.2

Generally caused by the mother's responsiveness to an infant by:
o   Mostly disengaged; when the child is showing signs of distress, the mother shows little or no response. The mother often aims at making the child independent.3
o   The child learns that his or her needs will probably not be met and therefore doesn't engage in typical attachment behavior such as crying or reaching out.3

  Dismissive-avoidant (insecure-avoidant) 15%:
o   High level of independence, often appearing to avoid attachment altogether.1
o   Self-sufficient, invulnerable to attachment feelings and not needing close relationships.1
o   Suppress their feelings, dealing with rejection by distancing themselves from partners of whom they often have a poor opinion.1

Generally speaking: They are comfortable without close emotional relationships. Very important to them to feel independent and self-sufficient, and they prefer not to depend on others or have others depend on them.2

Generally caused by the mother's responsiveness to an infant by:
o   Responses occur on the mother's terms ... in other words; when she feels like it.3
o   Her availability is therefore inconsistent; She changes between sensitive responsiveness and neglectful responses.3
o   The child doesn't feel he or she can rely on her to fulfil his or her needs.3

  Fearful-avoidant (disorganized/disoriented) 15%:
o   Mixed feelings about close relationships, both desiring and feeling uncomfortable with emotional closeness.1
o   Mistrust their partners and view themselves as unworthy.1
o   Seek less intimacy, suppressing their feelings.1

Generally speaking: They are somewhat uncomfortable getting close to others. They want emotionally close relationships, but find it difficult to trust others completely, or to depend on others. They sometimes worry that they will be hurt if they allow themselves to become too close to others.2

Generally caused by the mother's responsiveness to an infant by:
o   The mother's extreme and erratic behavior makes it difficult for the child to form a coherent coping strategy: A mother is like a mirror to her child. So when a child looks at his mother and sees something incomprehensible, the child has no way on understanding himself or his own behavior.3
o   These infants are more often maltreated and seen in what is termed 'high risk samples' (e.g. raised in extreme poverty, with alcoholic parents etc.) than 'normal middle-class samples)3

1.      Hazan C, Shaver PR (March 1987). "Romantic love conceptualized as an attachment process". Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 52 (3): 511–24. doi:10.1037/0022-3514.52.3.511. PMID 3572722.
2.      Bartholomew, K. & Horowitz, L.M. (1991). Attachment styles among young adults: A test of a four-category model" Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 61, 226-244.
3.      Ainsworth. Mary D. (1978) Patterns of Attachment: A Psychological Study of the Strange Situation. Lawrence Erlbaum Associates. ISBN 0-89859-461-8.


There is no right or wrong attachment style. You may have a combination of one or more of the attachment styles. I know mine is an "insecure - avoidant - ambivalent" mix.

It's important to know your type because it influences your partner selection and your primary means of conflict resolution.  But that is for another post...  :-)

Comment and let us know what is your attachment style and how has it influenced your relationships?

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Sep 8, 2014

Best Relationships are Specific and Grateful

The following is reproduced in its entirety from the site:

Grateful people are habitually specific. They don’t say, “I love you because you’re just so wonderfully wonderful, you!” Instead, the really skilled grateful person will say: “I love you for the pancakes you make when you see I’m hungry and the way you massage my feet after work even when you’re really tired and how you give me hugs when I’m sad so that I’ll feel better!”
The reason for this is pretty simple: It makes the expression of gratitude feel more authentic, for it reveals that the thanker was genuinely paying attention and isn’t just going through the motions. The richest thank you’s will acknowledge intentions (“the pancakes you make when you see I’m hungry”) and costs (“you massage my feet after work even when you’re really tired”), and they’ll describe the value of benefits received (“you give me hugs when I’m sad so that I’ll feel better”).
When Amie Gordon and colleagues studied gratitude in couples, they found that spouses signal grateful feelings through more caring and attentive behavior. They ask clarifying questions; they respond to trouble with hugs and to good news with smiles. “These gestures,” Gordon writes, “can have profound effects: Participants who were better listeners during those conversations in the lab had partners who reported feeling more appreciated by them.”
Remember: Gratitude thrives on specificity!

The next time you express gratitude to your partner be specific and include the following:

  • Acknowledge their intentions
  • Recognize their effort (costs to them)
  • Express the value received (benefit to you)

Comment and let us know your ideas for improving relationships?

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Sep 7, 2014

What does love mean?

Kids know everything...

A group of professionals asked a group of 4 to 8 year-olds: "What does love mean?" The kids responded with…

"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love." ~ Rebecca - age 8

"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK." ~ Danny - age 7

"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday." ~ Noelle - age 7

"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore." ~ Cindy - age 8

"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken." ~ Elaine - age 5

"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford." ~ Chris - age 7

"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day." ~ Mary Ann - age 4

"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones." ~ Lauren - age 4

It seems that when we get older, we forget. We knew what it was when were 5!

Comment and tell us what love is to you!

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Jul 3, 2014

I Love Peanut Butter and YOU - LOL

The differences identified in the previous post that shows various studies and research performed yielding disparate results is no surprise to me. Our communication about love is very poor and these differences we will see are as a result of our understanding and communication about love.

We say that we love peanut butter while saying that we love baseball, our kids, our partners, our shoes, our friends and everything under the sun. Because we communicate poorly about love, it has come to mean everything and nothing. When we popularize a word or a phrase and don’t give it specific meaning, it no longer has meaning.

When we really understand what love is and what love is not; we will be equipped and able to be more loving, openly receive more love and have better relationships. To understand what love is, let’s start by calling it a fallacy. By calling it a fallacy, and starting with a blank slate we can begin to learn, understand and eventually know love.

I lived in Arkansas for about 6 years. In that part of the South, when someone wants a carbonated beverage they say, “Give me a Coke please.” I recall while at work one day heading for the break room, asking a co-worker if they wanted something to drink. “Sure.” He replied, “I’ll have a Coke.” When I brought him the red canned beverage, he looked at me like I had three heads and said, “What is that?” “It’s your Coke.” I replied. Then he said one of the oddest things imaginable; you guessed it. “No, I wanted a Sprite.” I laughed!

After that experience, I learned to ask my co-workers in Arkansas if they want a ‘red’ Coke or a ‘green’ Coke. LOL Or I would ask them if they wanted a Coke or a Sprite. If you’ve been to the Southern states, you know exactly what I’m referring to.

The use of the word love is no different. We use the word love to mean so many different things. But yet it is even more important in our lives than a carbonated beverage to a thirsty co-worker.

Leave a comment and tell me your funny stories about"
  • "Things" people say they love
  • Mixed up communications

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Jul 1, 2014

Studies and Research on Love

The following are just a couple of the studies performed:

Ø  Triangular Theory of Love by psychologist Robert Sternberg states there are three components of love; Intimacy, Commitment  a form in which two people share confidences and various details of their personal lives, and is usually shown in friendships and romantic love affairs. Commitment is the expectation that the relationship is permanent. Passion is sexual attraction.

In the triangular theory of love, all forms are viewed as varying combinations of these three components:

Liking                                = Intimacy only (shared confidences and lives)
Infatuation                         = Passion only (longing accompanied by arousal)
Empty love                        = Commitment only (expectation of permanency)

Romantic love                   = Intimacy and Passion
Companionate love           = Intimacy and Commitment
Fatuous love                      = Passion and Commitment

Consummate love             = Intimacy, Passion and Commitment

Ø  American psychologist Zick Rubin sought to define love by psychometrics (empirical measurement). His work through the use of 26 questions comprised of 13 for love and 13 for liking; measures the degree of love that exists by an individual for another.

Ø  Psychologist Erich Fromm maintained in his book The Art of Loving that love is not merely a feeling but is also actions, and that in fact, the "feeling" of love is superficial.

Love is a series of loving actions over time. It is according to Fromm a conscious choice that in its early stages originates from an involuntary feeling, but later depends only on conscious commitment.

Ø  Biological models of love tend to see it as a mammalian drive, similar to hunger or thirst. There are two major drives in love: sexual attraction and attachment.

Confused? Me too! There are so many different opinions and researched conclusions on what love is, what causes it, why we need it, how we find it, how we receive it and how we exhibit it.

I believe that Confusion is the process of moving from learning to understanding and knowing. Since I'm feeling confused right now, I must be learning and moving in the right direction.

Leave me a comment and tell me of other Studies and Research that should be investigated.

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